本末転倒: Change of Residence, Start of New Life..

    I'm no longer staying at our house--- the house my mother and father had built when they decided to start a family. My mother and father get separated when I was still in my first grade in elementary. My mother died a year after. Then my father married another woman he had brought home. They had a son and two daughters. My younger sister and I are living with them in this house.

    For eight years, this house had been a venue to most of my life's turning points. It witnessed me growing up... from my elementary, high school and college years... when I had my review for my board exam until I passed and had my oath for my chosen profession. It houses all the good and bad memories in my life--- the beautiful and happy times, and also the sad and painful ones. I love this house that had comforted me for all these years. As much as I want to continue protecting this place, for now, I guess, I have to move out... 

     It is something that I had decided already. I can no longer stay in here, it's too painful to live with the family I once believed into... I really love and care for them but I also had emotional needs that I can never get from them. Acceptance, understanding, appreciation, protection, support, genuine affection... I longed for those... 

      Receiving a lot of harsh and hurtful remarks, getting yourself in many petty arguments, misunderstandings, fighting for my sides and opinions, shouting like hell... I am already used with that kind of everyday scenes. I can live that kind of life, but I'm getting so tired already. I want to end such life because it was something that I don't deserve... I know that.

     I'm being selfish, I'm only thinking of myself again. But I don't care.. 

     Among all the things that I have now, the one that I want to protect most is my own self.

     I wanted to protect myself who had been suffering for so long.. emotional trauma.. and lots.. 

     I wanted to love myself who had been loving and caring others for too long. 

     I wanted to continue living for myself.

     If I won't be able to protect myself now, I won't be able to protect all the people and things that I always love.

     From here I want to go to the places where I am accepted, where I can take care of myself, where I can help the people around me, where I can pursue my goals, where I can build my future, where I can genuinely laugh and cry, where I can create new memories of loving and hoping. 

     I want to find a venue of my new life. Like this, if one had end, there will always be another beginning.

     Sore dake.